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| Army Birthday festivities at Fort Leavenworth. First, you little fatties will run... run like your life depends upon it. Then, you will eat cake in a decisive manner. |
Today I got a lovely letter from the 38th Chief of Staff of the Army, General Raymond T. Odierno. It was very nice. I felt motivated, which was ideal because I am getting ready to something that will require a great deal of motivation, sometimes false motivation: pack all my worldly possessions in boxes to prepare for a PCS move to Leavenworth.
This is what he wrote:
“Today, we celebrate the 237th birthday of our Army.
For 237 years, our Soldiers, Civilians and Families have been the strength of our Nation in peace and at war.
Today, America's Army is engaged in nearly 150 countries around the world, on 6 of 7 continents, with over 94,000 Soldiers deployed today and 94,000 forward stationed. Our Nation depends on its Army to defend the shores of our homeland, defeat enemy forces abroad, and help with recovery efforts in the wake of natural disasters.
We have the best equipped, best trained, and best led Army in history because of the 1.1 million professional Soldiers who serve in the Active Army, Army National Guard and Army Reserve, as well as the dedicated service of our Army Civilians. It is our Army's competence, adaptability, moral character, and resolute commitment that defines us as professionals and guarantees our long-standing sacred trust with the American people.
I'm proud of your accomplishments, your sacrifice, and your selfless dedication to our Army and to the Nation. Today, on its 237th birthday, we honor our Army and the remarkable men and women, past and present, who have embraced our Nation's call to service. Army Strong!”
I dig it. It’s got good sentiment. It’s a nice way to say “Happy Birthday” to the Army in a happy, motivational kind of way that includes all the key players in the Army. Thumbs up, sir. I would not have been able to write it without sarcasm. This is why I am not, nor will ever be, the 38th Chief of Staff of the Army. My Army birthday letter would sound something like this:
Today, we celebrate the 237th birthday of our Army. Hopefully with cake. Cake makes the threat of war an easier proposition to handle, after all.
For 237 years, our Soldiers, Civilians and Families have been fighting the righteous fight against tyrannical despots, communist oppressors, dictatorial lunatics, scallywags, mentally unbalanced nationalist socialists, ne’er do wells, dumpy little fascists, terrorists who smell like month-old camel a**, Decepticons, ruthless genocidal military leaders, and drug-pedaling warlords. To say the least, we’ve been busy.
Today, America's Army is engaged in nearly 150 countries around the world, on 6 of 7 continents. Not all of these places are fabulous. In fact, most of them are hot, dry, smelly wastelands, full of angry fanatics who would like to kill us and shutter all free thought and action. I promise in the future, we’ll start looking to some nicer locations for wars. I hear that those pesky Tahitians are getting uppity. Perhaps it’s time to lay the smack down, and celebrate with a cocktail on the beach? All in favor, put your reflective belts in the air and wave them ‘round like you just don’t care. Our Nation depends on its Army to defend the shores of our homeland, look damn sexy in a uniform, defeat enemy forces abroad, help little old ladies across busy streets, preserve the rights of humanity to live in a world without tyranny, and help with recovery efforts in the wake of natural disasters and Snooki breakups.
We have the best equipped, best trained, and best led Army in history because of the 1.1 million professional Soldiers who serve in the Active Army, Army National Guard and Army Reserve, as well as the dedicated service of our Army Civilians. That’s pretty much because we spend a lot of money on things that you may or may not get to us while you’re deployed. I know, you’d really like to bust out the expensive things we bought you right before you left your base for war, but we can’t risk losing it. It’s on the property book, you see. Nevertheless, your leadership seems to make do without all the resources we promise you but never quite get to you in a timely manner. Trust me, we’re working on that. It is our Army's competence, sense of humor, adaptability, willingness to live fetid squalor, resolute commitment, and strange Infantry man-love bromance for each other that defines us as professionals and guarantees our long-standing sacred trust with the American people. Let’s leave the American people their illusions, shall we. If they really knew that, between the stressful and often frightening combat patrols, you were dancing and singing along with your squad-mates in your threadbare, rancid tighty whities to Madonna’s Like a Virgin, they’d be a little creeped out.
We are all proud of your accomplishments, your sacrifice, and your selfless dedication to our Army and to the Nation. You do it without question or hesitation. Considering that there are 22 year old civilians who can’t seem to make it to a job interview on time, and rely on their parents to arrange contract negotiations for them, you’re actually doing okay. Today, on its 237th birthday, we honor our Army. But we’re really honoring the remarkable men and women who are just doing a job, same as every other poor slob who clocks in at the office. Our job is a little tougher at times, but we do have certain perks.
Like today. On its 237th birthday, the Army should have the perk of cake, with “Army Strong” spelled out in butter cream frosting. Just sayin’.
Happy Birthday, Army! In the words of milblogger, Carl Prine, you don’t look a day over 236.
**PS. I just found out that the gentleman in the above shown picture, who appears to be enthusiastically brandishing a k-bar, is in fact BG Skip Davis (who is up for promotion to MG shortly). This does not change my opinion about cake, which is fabulous, but it makes me happy to know that there is a GO out there who feels as passionately about cake as I do. I also wonder about the apprehensive looks of the gentlemen he's leading towards the cake. Considering that Fort Leavenworth is the home of Army doctrine, they aren't making much of an effort at combined arms maneuver. Rock on, sir. Rock on.
